Emily Morgan, Danielle Sucher, and I wrote this puzzle for the MIT Mystery Hunt 2012, but it failed in testing (that is, it was never successfully testsolved). Perhaps you'll like it anyway.
"These people clearly aren't behaving rationally," Mad-Eye Moody noted. "Please help me figure out what they're doing wrong."
Wasn't convinced at first by Hermione's insistence that there are disproportionately few heroines as compared to heroes. But when she pointed out that there have been far more heroes than heroines historically and that Muggles have a history of discriminating against women, it all seemed much more plausible.
Am beginning to wonder if S.P.H.E.W. is just a front for Hermione to impress Prof McGonagall...
Day 11:
Millicent isn't a seer after all?? I mean, sure, I knew from the beginning it's rare to be a seer, but I figured that it was pretty likely she was a seer and was trying to hide it from us.
Stupid Millicent.
Really can't tell if Hermione is into Prof McGonagall or Harry. Make up your mind, girl!
Day 13:
Laughed so hard I turned upside down. Hannah thinks Neville would betray Harry for her??
Day ?:
Challenged Neville to a Most Ancient Duel. Could hardly believe it when I saw Hannah gaping at him, and am not entirely sure what came over me. In retrospect, v. clear that Hannah likes Nevvy, who is torn between his feelings for me and his loyalty to Harry, and is only leading Hannah on to tease me. All makes sense now. Still a shame he had to win the duel.
Have long suspected that Albus is a bit sexist, and Hermione's statistics just go to prove it. (Aurora's objections are obviously biased by her Muggle upbringing.) Beginning to find Hermione strangely attractive...
Day 12:
Totally astonished by the partial Transfiguration Harry pulled off today. Also somewhat disappointed he didn't bring Hermione along to watch.
Day 13:
Am quite afraid this Saturday's events will lead to loss of Defense Professor. Consider: Are tensions running high? Yes. Is Dumbledore concerned? Yes. Is Harry Potter involved? Yes. All evidence supports my worst fears.
Day ?:
Am wondering if Harry was abused as a child. Every time he gets that cold look in his eyes, it just confirms my fears. Nevermind that he strenuously denies it.
Think Fawkes tried to cop a feel after I delivered my report to Albus. Pervy chicken.
Introduced Harry Potter to my minions today. Must make a good impression so he'll stop believing all that horrible stuff the Quibbler says about my family. Stupid Quibbler. I just want him to see me for who I really am.
Day 5:
Suggested Potter just push Granger down the stairs if he doesn't like her. He made some blustery noises about how it doesn't count unless he kills her with his brain. He's so gorgeous when he's making no sense... Why doesn't he want to kill me with his brain? He's also shockingly naive when it comes to maintaining your reputation. He claims he can deal with Rita Skeeter on this own. I think that he underestimates the media's ability to spread lies.
Day 9:
Quite the scene in Defense class today. Potter got beat up, and Quirrel obviously enjoyed it a little too much.
Day 10:
I can just imagine how the school newspapers will spin this one: "Chaos Lieutenants Invincible; Lord Potter Smarter Than Ever". Why don't they ever notice my tactical genius? Maybe if I made headlines, Potter would notice me too...
Day 11:
Am beginning to think a lot like Potter. Not sure if this is better or worse than just thinking a lot about Potter...
Day 13:
Shot by Padma.
Stupid Padma.
Day ?:
Finally got chance to drop Potter off tower. Not as fun as expected. What if I don't enjoy being the next Drop Lord Dark Lord either??
Did enjoy nibbling on his ear before dropping him.
Rather baffled by today's events. Made a lucky guess with the "Boy-Who-Lives gets Draco Malfoy pregnant" line, but immaculate male conception by dropping off castle not in any book I've read. Then idiot girls all tried to summon me at once. If I were in their place, I'd have had the restraint to think before acting. But then, they are not as smart as I am.
Also not quite entirely sure why Draco nibbled my ear before dropping me, but am assured it has something to do with activating Feather Falling Potion.
Day 2:
Shocked by Prof Quirrel's insinuations about witches and Muggle men. Surely no one would give in to temptation that wantonly.
Then again, human thinking notoriously flawed and biased.
Still the smartest.
Day 3:
Let my imagination run a bit wild in Defense class today. Don't know why classmates are so scared. In a real battle situation I'd be focused on what was actually going on, not some crazy urge to kill. Probably they're just jealous that I'm smarter than they are.
Draco said he wants to see me on Saturday. What a nice wholesome boy.
Day 4:
Got a totally rad trunk while shopping with Prof McGonagall today. Extra book storage = extra smart Harry. Go me!
Day 5:
Wasted a month designing experiments on a premise that Hermione falsified in one hour. Stupid Hermione. Maybe not the smartest after all...
Day 6:
Explained to Hermione that telling a professor isn't the same as taking responsibility. Would not have thought this needs explaining. (Is urge to avoid responsibility really that strong?) Apparently still in fact the smartest.
Day 7:
Gained a research assistant. Not quite as good as a minion, but it's a start!
Day 9:
Draco wants to become closer friends. He even offered me some free advice based on all that training he's got! I do appreciate the friendly camaraderie here at Hogwarts.
Day 10:
I keep telling myself I'll be more humble, but it's just so fun to brag sometimes. Is it so wrong to admit how smart I am?
Day 11:
Dumbledore showed me secret room full of war mementos. Promised myself I will never get so caught up in grief that it prevents me from doing what I know is right.
Dumbledore also wanted to show me trick with pointy hat. Am not sure how that was relevant.
Day 12:
Booyah! Who can do partial Transfiguration? I can do partial Transfiguration! I'm the smartest wizard ever!
Day 13:
Shot by Zabini.
Stupid Zabini.
Day ?:
Nearly killed myself trying to destroy all the Dementors in Azkaban. V. v. not smart. Not sure why I lost control. The place wasn't that bad, in retrospect.
I think Minerva has a crush on Ms. Granger. Highly inappropriate. Fawkes keeps hoping that they sneak into my office and get it on where he can watch, pervy chicken.
Am pretty sure Severus hasn't showered since beginning of term.
Day 4:
Minerva's report after meeting Harry today was mercifully concise. Back to brainstorming seduction tricks! Fawkes promised to bail me out if I get in trouble for hitting on students.
Day 6:
Should probably have been paying attention to what Severus was saying to Ms. Granger at breakfast today, but was distracted by greasy hair. (Admittedly, walk to hair salon is long, and I rarely go myself.)
Day 12:
Quite impressed by Harry's partial Transfiguration. Is it just me, or has the walk to my private Transfiguration workroom gotten longer since I stopped having time to go as often? Clearly I'm getting old.
Severus beginning to smell. Hope he'll shower someday.
Day 13:
Wonder if I can get Severus to be referee in upcoming underwater battle...
Day ?:
Harry does not understand the phoenix's price. Tried to teach him, but he is too naive. Perhaps should have told him about other price: It's expensive having to bail the fiery perv out of jail all the time! At least the trip to Central Booking seems to go faster each time.
Arranged for Harry to receive v. fitting punishment from Draco. When you put it that way, romantic implications are obvious. Still can't believe I didn't realize it when Ravenclaw girls first suggested it. Break from Muggle homophobia is nice anyway. Yaoi clearly v. popular among witches.
Day 3:
V. not fond of Defense class.
Day 5:
Boys are all so cocky. Harry lectures me about how science takes years, then thinks he can make a brilliant scientific discovery in a month. He also seemed to be trying to flirt with me. As if! I guess he hasn't realized yet that I don't swing that way...
Day 6:
V. bad day. Failed to convince Ravenclaw girls that Harry is not my boyfriend--not only is he interfering with my life, he's making everyone think I'm straight!
Seriously, who'd want to date a boy anyway? They're so obnoxious, always thinking they have to protect you--just look at how Harry treats me! Stupid boys. Prof McGonagall, on the other hand...
Day 7:
Did Science with a boy I just met. Surprisingly titillating.
Day 9:
Prof Quirrell obviously has quite the thing for Harry. Do you have to be The-Boy-Who-Lived to get a professor's attention around here?? I wish Prof McGonagall would teach me how to lose...
Day 10:
Battle today v. disappointing. After I imagined how the Super Hermione trick would look, I thought it was so likely to work! Next time, must practice steering.
Day 11:
Exhausted, sweaty, scared, and have no idea why. V. disturbing.
Day 12:
Nearly got in so much trouble with Prof McGonagall. And not the good kind. All stupid Harry's fault.
Day 13:
Shot by Daphne.
Stupid Daphne.
Day ?:
Why did I think a protest was a good idea?? Must be watching too much Muggle TV: they're always showing protesters. At least Prof McGonagall seemed v. impressed. I wouldn't mind if she got her hands on my S.P.H.E.W. buttons...
Day 7:
Lost my pet toad. Gryffindor prefect wouldn't help me look for it. He's mean!
Day 10:
Got challenged to a Most Ancient Duel, but Daphne didn't even use the proper dueling challenge! She's clearly impulsive. But not unattractively so. I wonder what she thinks of my huge... blade.
Day ?:
Blubbled for the blubbled glub!
Ridiculous spectacle with Potter and Malfoy took far longer than reasonable. Could not even enjoy it properly, as I was distracted by saving Potter from stupid girls, and then he fell into Lupin's arms after all that. Stupid Lupin.
Day 2:
Attempted to make Potter jealous by offering to be Granger's mysterious old wizard. Did not work in slightest. Probably for the best, as Granger not nearly so cute. Introducing Potter to Greek notions of mentoring may take longer than expected...
Day 3:
Enjoyed scaring students on first day of class. Particularly enjoyed look on Granger's face as I told her her textbook is worthless. Not that I've read it myself. Am sure it would only take an hour, but why bother?
Day 6:
Stood up for Granger. Hope Potter will appreciate it. Want to make my move, but suspect not yet prepared for the epic battle with Potter should he turn me down.
Day 8:
Got knocked out in Azkaban by magical resonance. Stupid magic. Stupid prison. Stupid Potter. This is going to put our mission way behind schedule.
Day 10:
Finally feeling better and can supervise the first-year battles again. I had scheduled them far enough apart to accommodate reasonable delays, but even still, with this backlog, it'll be tough to squeeze them all in by the end of the year. Stupid delays.
Day 11:
Why did Severus bring me flowers at our secret meeting in the forest?
Day 13:
Was hoping Potter would win the Christmas wish. I guess I got my wish, sort of. Stupid Zabini.
Day ?:
Taught Potter to lose. Hearing him beg was quite the thrill. Am looking forward to, erm, comforting him after class. Maybe today is my lucky day!
Secret meeting in forest with Quirinus turned out just to be about the usual plotting. :( Was hoping he was going to ask me out. It put me in a terrible sulk, so I canceled all my classes and spent time working on my OKCupid profile instead. Fingers crossed! I've had so many rejections; surely I'm due for a lucky break soon.
I do look fantastically oily and mysterious.
Day 12:
Terrible luck in my D&D game today. Kept rolling 1s. I'll be due for better rolls next week. Think I feel a pout coming on.
Still greasily irresistible. Had to tell Miss Cornfoot to stop staring at me quite so openly.
Day 14:
Squee! Finally had my first kiss! With a real girl, even!
Day ?:
Quite enjoyed taking Granger down a few notches, until Quirrell had to go and mess things up. Would suspect him of having a crush on her, except he's obviously hung up on Potter.
Grease update: Looking slick.
Boss sent us away so he could speak to Potter privately. He's totally overreacting to Greg's little stunt yesterday. It's only one little favor that he now owes Potter. What's the big deal? I don't care about the politics; I just won't let Potter seduce the boss away from us!
Day 10:
Got knocked out in battle. Dammit.
Day 11:
Boss definitely way too into ugly boy Potter. So unfair. You kill one Dark Lord, and suddenly everyone wants to be your friend.
Day 13:
Got knocked out in battle. Again. Dammit.
Day ?:
Finally met Harry Potter today. Not nearly pretty enough to deserve Draco. Me 'n Greg will have to keep the boss away from him, for his own good of course.
Greg says I'm getting fat. I mean sure, I always finish my plate at dinner, even if I'm not hungry, but it's just one plate! It's not like I always have seconds.