9 Suggestions for Wooing Princess Lauren Dear Princes Dukes, Marquesses, very rich Earls, and Baron Eddington, Welcome to the Fairy castle Attica Tor. Most of you have never been in Fairyland before, so I've prepared this list of 10 suggestions for your stay here. I do hope that your visit here is enjoyable, even if I do not end up choosing you. Suggestion 1: Please keep in mind that you are here because I am looking for a husband. I have gathered you here because you represent the cream of the mundane nobility, and my mother always believed that it is meet that our royal lineage be revitalized periodically by an infusion of new blood. Suggestion 2: Be sure to wear both a mundane watch and a Fairyland watch. Many mundanes have danced for a mere night in Fairyland, but returned home to aged retainers and ruined castles. Suggestion 3: Since you are here to compete for my hand in marriage, I will expect you to accompany me on hunts, join me at dinner, and engage in the ordinary sporting activities of Fairyland. I appreciate pleasant banner more than high-handed cut-downs. But I refuse to marry any man who has a thin skin or who is unwilling to defend himself, whether with words or with blades. Suggestion 4: The servants are attached to this castle, not to your person. While they will clean your rooms and direct you around the castle, you should not become too familiar with them. Their exotic forms tantalize some men, but their pleasures are often too much for a mortal frame to bear. When my late mother was searching for her husband, Earl Grootmunter was discovered with a servant. His head may be viewed in the Trophy Room from 10:00am until 4:00pm, FST. Suggestion 5: During your stay in Fairyland, I may ask certain favors of you. While you should follow these requests without question or complaint, it would also be polite for you to supply additional, unprompted gifts. I am especially fond of simple, natural gifts, such as pearls and exotic pelts, and anything I haven't seen before. I get so bored of the same old things -- one can only have so many solid gold elephats before they start to overflow one's attic. Suggestion 6: Please do visit the haberdasheries, tattoo parlors, and pierceries of Fairyland. Mundanes are so boring looking without a little adornment. A little woad goes a long way. Suggestion 7: Food will be provided for you by my castle staff. Anything prepared here will be safe for your consumption. I recommend that you refuse all food outside this castle -- none who eat the fruits of Fairyland are ever the same again. Although I do find the horns quite attractive. Suggestion 8: Please recall that this is a competition, not a tea party (although the tea here is quite nice, don't you think? Of course you do). Dueling is encouraged, and if I don't see that sweet, sweet red at least once every day, I may become bored. Sometimes, when I'm bored, I ask suitors to fight with wild animals. One other thing: keep the duels to specially marked areas. I would become quite upset if my rugs or floors were to be stained Suggestion 9: I suggest that you treat this not as a list of rules, nor as a list of guidelines, but as a list of ironclad conditions on your continued presence here. Sincerely, Fairy Princess Lauren Copyright 2003, David Turner